Many people have experienced the feeling of being jealous. It can come in the form of being jealous of your girlfriend’s ex, or feeling suspicious and jealous when your girlfriend is on her mobile phone. Feeling jealous is not a good feeling, and many people want to find out how to get rid of the feeling of jealousy.
But is this something that is exclusively negative? And are there several types of jealousy? We’ll take a look.
Different types of jealousy
According to Leif Edward Ottesen Keinar, evolutionary psychologist and professor at NTNU, there are two types of jealousy. On NHI.no’s website , he describes these two as follows:
- Jealousy due to insecurity
Some people experience this when they have been exposed to something that makes them feel insecure. It could be, for example, that your boyfriend cheated on you. A lover who lies or keeps things hidden can also be a cause of insecurity. - Morbid jealousy
This is a type of jealousy that often does not arise for obvious reasons. You can be paranoid or fear the future, and you know that you don’t trust your lover.
Why is it important to know the difference between these?
When you have a desire to get rid of the jealousy you feel, it is wise to know where the root lies. We will therefore take a closer look at both points 1 and 2, and what you can do to work on any challenges:
- You were let down in a previous relationship and are now jealous in your current relationship.
Here it is important to separate your ex from your current lover. The smartest thing to do is talk to your partner about it. Explain what happened when you were let down by your ex. Describe what you experienced and how it affected you. Maybe also say that you don’t want to carry this over into their current relationship. You want to agree that your partner will be patient with you. At the same time, you should focus on working on having confidence in their current relationship.
Communication about what you feel, and clarity that this stems from previous experiences, is wise. Be clear with each other and honest about how different situations make you feel. The fact that you yourself work on expressing yourself around uncertain feelings can be an important step towards working your way out of jealousy.
- You feel jealousy and fear that you will be let down in the future
. When you feel a morbid jealousy of the person you are with, this can take over much of the quality of life for both of you. The most important job you can do is therefore to find out what you are looking for in the relationship. Often you are looking for confirmation that you are wanted and loved. Then you need to hear that you are the only one. When the lover then shows consideration and love towards family and friends, this can trigger the insecurity in us.
This often comes from not feeling so good about yourself, and seeking acceptance from outside. Not being happy with yourself, or not feeling that you deserve a lover, is something that many people can experience. Such thoughts can have various explanations, both upbringing, environment and other factors. It is not uncommon to have negative thoughts about yourself without being fully aware of it. The most important thing is therefore to find out what you think and feel about yourself. When you become aware of this, it is easier to change it.
By working on accepting yourself, loving yourself, and knowing that you deserve to be loved just for being you, this type of jealousy can also diminish.
GET HELP DEALING WITH JEALOUSY
“My better half”
Often the media and social media can paint a false picture of what love actually is.
We hear phrases like “my better half” or “no you – no me”. This creates a culture where people believe that you are not whole alone. You think that you are not complete unless you have the confirmation that someone actually wants you as a lover. The truth is that we are all whole as we are.
The solution may therefore be to work on oneself. By becoming happy with yourself, and confident in yourself, you won’t need as much confirmation from the outside either.
Get help to deal with the jealousy
It is not always as easy to put things in a larger perspective. Uncertainty can take up a lot of space in our everyday lives and can affect both the choices we make, what we say and what we do. What is important to remember is that when you see a situation with a perspective that is influenced by jealousy, you are also not seeing the situation as it is. In some cases, it may therefore be a good idea to get help to gain a little more clarity about what is happening.
As we described at the beginning, there are also different types of jealousy. How you work your way out of them is also very different. A type of jealousy can stem from one’s own experiences and requires one to let go of fear and dare to trust someone again. The other is rooted in your own self-concept and how you see your own value. It therefore requires you to take a step back and work on the relationship you have with yourself.
Can jealousy be good?
A third type of jealousy is the one we can all feel a little bit from time to time, without it affecting our lives. It’s natural for us humans to feel jealous, and it can show that we care. If we didn’t care if someone else flirted with our boyfriend, then it could be a sign that we are not as emotionally invested as we might have thought.
What is important in this example is what happens next. A lover who is focused on making you feel valued and that you can trust him/her would politely end the conversation when the person started flirting, then go back to you. You yourself would know that you didn’t like someone flirting with your girlfriend, but you would trust that your partner would make the right choice.
So: Can you get rid of jealousy?
The answer is yes, if you want to work for it. Here is a small summary of the steps we have now looked at for how to work through jealousy:
– Find out what type of jealousy you feel
– Find the root of the jealousy, where does it come from?
– Communicate with your lover about what you know, and what you can work on together to make it better for both parties
– Consider getting help if you feel it is difficult to deal with on your own
A little jealousy is therefore both natural and healthy, but it is important to see the differences when it has gone too far. Furthermore, it is important to choose the right strategy to work through the challenges in the best way.
Because regardless of the type of jealousy and the reason for the jealousy, it is important that you constantly remind yourself of this: You are not a half that needs to find the better part to become whole – you are whole in yourself.
